Throughout the therapeutic process, the therapist attempts to help both partners see the relationship in a more objective manner. They learn to stop the “blame game” and instead look at what happens to them as a process involving each partner. They also can benefit from seeing that their relationship takes place in a certain context. For example, couples who struggle financially will be under different kinds of situational stresses than those who are not. Therapists begin this process by collecting “data” on the interaction between the partners by watching how they interact. Therapists then formulate “hypotheses” about what causal factors may be in play to lead to the way the couples interact. How they share this information with the couple varies by the therapist’s particular theoretical orientation. There’s empirical support for a variety of approaches from behavioral to insight-oriented. Different therapists will use different strategies, but as long as they focus on altering the way the relationship is understood, the couple can start to see each other, and their interactions, in more adaptive ways.

Effective couples therapists attempt to change the way that the partners actually behave with each other. This means that in addition to helping them improve their interactions, therapists also need to ensure that their clients are not engaging in actions that can cause physical, psychological, or economic harm. In order to do this, therapists must conduct a careful assessment to determine whether their clients are, in fact, at risk. If necessary, the therapist may recommend, for example, that one partner be referred to a domestic violence shelter, to specialized drug abuse treatment, or to anger management. It is also possible that if the risk is not sufficiently severe, the couple can benefit from “time-out” procedures to stop the escalation of conflict.

Couples who avoid expressing their private feelings put themselves at greater risk of becoming emotionally distant and hence grow apart. Effective couples therapists help their clients bring out the emotions and thoughts that they fear expressing to the other person. Attachment-based couples therapy allows the partners to feel less afraid of expressing their needs for closeness. According to this view, some partners who failed to develop “secure” emotional attachments in childhood have unmet needs that they carry over into their adult relationships. They fear showing their partners how much they need them because they are afraid that their partners will reject them. Behaviorally based therapists, assume that adults may fear expressing their true feelings because, in the past, they did not receive “reinforcement.” Either way, both theoretical approaches advocate helping their clients express their true feelings in a way that will eventually draw them closer together.

Being able to communicate is one of the “three C’s” of intimacy. All effective couples therapies focus on helping the partners to communicate more effectively. Building on principles #2 and #3, this communication should not be abusive, nor should partners ridicule each other when they do express their true feelings. Couples may, therefore, require “coaching” to learn how to speak to each other in more supportive and understanding ways. The therapist may also provide the couple with didactic instruction to give them the basis for knowing what types of communication are effective and what types will only cause more conflict. They can learn how to listen more actively and empathically, for example. However, exactly how to accomplish this step requires that therapists turn back to the assessments they performed early on in treatment. Couples with a long history of mutual criticism may require a different approach than those who try to avoid conflict at all costs.

Effective couples therapists point out the strengths in the relationship and build resilience particularly as therapy nears a close. Because so much of couples therapy involves focusing on problem areas, it’s easy to lose sight of the other areas in which couples function effectively. The point of promoting strength is to help the couple derive more enjoyment out of their relationship. The behaviorally-oriented therapist may “prescribe” that one partner do something that pleases the other. Therapists from other orientations that focus more on emotions instead might help the couple develop a more positive “story” or narrative about their relationship. In either case, the therapist should avoid trying to put his or her own spin on what constitutes a strength and let this be defined by the couple.